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Wacky FAQs

October 18, 2012

With the conference coming up, we’ve been engaged in two-a-days, bringing you the questions from Chris Cowards fantastic FAQs. But the FAQs are an official document created by the marketing committee and approved by management and all that. Here are some of the questions that didn’t make the cut, but I’m hooking you up today so you’ll be in the know.

Q. Can I pitch my novel at an agent while they’re taking care of business in the rest room?

A. Absolutely. Especially if your goal is to never, ever be published in any possible form. Plus, although the staff at the Orlando Marriott Lake Mary is fantastic, it is technically possible they might forget to stock toilet paper in the rest rooms. Your unsolicited manuscript could become very useful to the agent or publisher of your choice.

Q. So I can go in the ladies’ room to pitch, even though I’m a guy?

A. It’s a free country. And the Lake Mary area has some lovely police cruisers and holding cells they keep set aside just to handle people who do things like pitch manuscripts in the rest room of the opposite gender. Plus COPS might be in town.

Q. Is there a bar?

A. Of course. How could I solicit free drinks otherwise?

Q. Can I bring my girlfriend?

A. That’s between you and your wife.

Q. What clothes should I bring?

A. Late October is when the weather finally (finally, finally, finally, finally) breaks in Florida. It should be comfortable outside. Bring comfortable business casual clothing. It might be best to leave the chainmail, naughty crossing guard costume, and Captain Magnificent tights at home. Given the quality of food, you might want to bring the fat pants for Saturday and Sunday.

Q. Is the food really good?

A. The food is so good that we’re required to reference fat pants. No one’s lost an eye to flying pants buttons yet. But it could happen this year.

Q. Can I work out?

A. You bet. Me and Shaun T plan on being there before festivities at least two days. Come on down and have some real fun.

Q. What would the official blogger of the Florida Writers Conference say to an offer of a free drink from time to time throughout the weekend?

A. I would personally hate to insult anyone by refusing an offer of free libations. So if you offer, I would feel compelled to accept. Even if you did it more than once. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

Q. Can I watch the Rays in the playoffs while I’m at the hotel?

A. Not this year! But if you feel the need to catch up on the Noles, Gators, Bulls, Hurricanes, Fighting Irish, Wolverines, Trojans, Sooners, Longhorns, Bulldogs, Crimson Tide or the Delaware Fighting Blue Hens, there’s a TV in the bar. If you need to catch up on the Syracuse Orangemen, I’ll save you the trouble. They’re probably losing.

Q. What kind of self-serving tripe is that free drink question?

A. The kind you can include when you write the blog. It’s good to be the king.

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3 Comments
  1. October 18, 2012 7:28 pm

    Thanks for the rest room tip. Who knew? Yes, it’s good to be the King. Being a Knight is good, too.

  2. October 19, 2012 4:31 am

    Enjoyed the humor here, Chris… much in need of some. I’ve been feeling more like Marie Antoinette lately, myself.

  3. Chris Hamilton permalink
    October 19, 2012 6:43 am

    Sorry to hear that, Tricia.

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