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Facetiously Asked Questions

October 11, 2013

Each year there’s a conference FAQ that lists common questions and answers, and then there’s this post, which tells the real story. Taken together, they give you the inside skinny on what to expect at the Florida Writers Conference. Here’s this year’s FAQs (Facetiously Asked Questions).

I’ve heard that attendees often gain a couple pounds over the course of the weekend. Is that true?

This guy was thin and fit into his clothes before last year’s conference.

Absolutely not. If you take full advantage of all the food and drinks that are available this weekend, you should expect to gain at least 8 pounds. Most years the typical average is 12-14 pounds. If you have a physical for life insurance scheduled for the week after the conference, you should cancel it now.

I’m gonna get lots of sleep right?

Sure. The coffee we provide at various points during the day is there solely for the taste. The caffeine content is just a pleasant side effect. You should expect to get at least ten hours a sleep each night.

Is the conference technology friendly?

Yes it is. The session rooms have wifi, but do not have power strips, so you’ll want to make sure your computer or tablet is fully charged. That way you can find out what you need to know about the writing craft, its tools, and the publishing industry and not miss the day’s quota of adorable cat pictures.

That’s a good point the speaker brought up. I never though about it that w–KITTIES!

Can I wear my disco pants?

Sure. You should plan on wearing what’s comfortable, but keep in mind you might want to do business with the people you’re hanging out with. And if disco pants are your thing, go for it. You might want to save the Speedo and the I’m With Stupid t-shirt for another day, though.

We purposely shrunk this image to prevent damage to your eyes and emotional distress. But if you want to wear this outfit, go for it!

Can I pitch my work to an agent while they eat?

Last year, we covered pitching to an agent in the rest room and we said that if you never want to get published, that’s a great way to do it. And depending on which rest room you choose, you might even get free lodging at a fine Orlando-area police station. But we didn’t cover pitching during meetings. Let’s put it this way–our agents and publishers are very nice, very professional people who really want to find people whose work meets their needs. But if you were working all day and you just said down to eat and someone thrust a manuscript between you and dinner, what would you do with the sharp silverware on front of you, hmmmmmm?

Is there a bar?

It’s a little-known fact that the ghost of Ernest Hemingway visits all the writers conferences in Florida. Uncle Ernie is kind of a cantankerous guy, even in the afterworld. So the bar is there to keep him out of our hair for the weekend. The bonus is that we can enjoy it, too.

Can I catch the Mets game on the television in my hotel room?

Blissfully no. The nightmare that is the Mets 2013 season will have ended by then, allowing for a six-month return to normalcy for the masochists who insist on following them each year, even though they know better.

 

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